I’ve been back home for a week now and I’m starting to get used to not being in Costa Rica.  I definitely miss being in Costa Rica and I do wish I could have a few more days there, but I feel like I’m in a good place right now.  I was ready to go home and the only thing I miss, pretty much, is going out every night.

Oh, and the fact that being back reminds me that I’m in the real world and I have to think about stupid things again.  My future, school, religion – it’s all up in the air at this point.  Sometimes I want to scream because I have no idea what I’m doing with myself.  I wish so badly that I had one passion that I want to follow and that could guide me through what to do with the rest of my life.  But as of now, I’m lacking that passion and I’m stuck.  I’m pretty sure at this point that I don’t want to be doing accounting for the rest of my life, but I don’t have anything else I want to be doing so I’m going to be sticking with it.  I know it’ll be a good foundation for anything else I want to do because it’s the most technical aspect of business and yadda yadda yadda, I just wish I knew I was working toward something in my future that I’m passionate about.  I don’t really know.

I guess I’ll be trying to write in this more often because I’ve become quite the failure at this.

I’m in Costa Rica now!   I tried out the canvassing thing but it definitely wasn’t for me.  I just don’t feel comfortable in the least bit asking people to donate money to a cause I halfheartedly believe in.  Maybe because I also know that if someone came and asked me to donate $175 I’d look at them like they were crazies.  So anyway, now I’m in Costa Rica for 4 weeks doing volunteer work.

I’ll talk about my first week.  If nothing else then because I just want to relive it.
So I got in on Sunday.  Got to my home, met my host family, instantly started having doubts about what the hell I was doing in a developing foreign country.  By myself.  For four weeks.  Ended up going on facebook which ended up being oddly soothing.  It must have been how familiar facebook was.

Monday – Thursday.  Went to the project, Rayito del Luz.  Spanish classes.  A little bit of exploring San Pedro.  A lot of getting lost.  A lot of doubts, a lot of homesickness.  I was starting to get that weird feeling in my stomach when I was sitting in my bed that I got when I would look around my room at City Park.  A weird feeling of dread and not wanting to be there even though I had no choice but to stay.  A sense of helplessness, maybe?  I’m sure that factored in somehow.

Friday. Whitewater rafting at the Pacuare River.  In one word, AMAZING.  I’m only 1/4 through this trip, but I’m almost positive that this will be the highlight of it.  Went with Amber, Sean, and Katy.  We saw so many waterfalls and there was one part when we all jumped out of the raft into the river and we just floated down the river.  Nothing but floating and taking in everything around us.

Saturday.  Volcano Arenal. Went with Amber, Sean, Katy, and Katy’s friend Dan.  Super hot.  Stayed in my first hostel! It was kind of exactly what I was imagining – lots of college kids looking to get drunk and have fun.  The volcano hike was a little bit underwhelming but all in all it was a pretty good experience.

Sunday.  Chilling in La Fortuna.  We had an amazing breakfast at a little cafe some ways down from the hostel.   I don’t know what made me infinitely more amusing on Sunday, but it turned into el Dia de Kathy.  Ended up following Sean & Katy to Monteverde.  We took a beautiful jeep/boat tour across Lake Arenal.  Except it turns out, there’s no jeep, just a van.  Oops.  We settled in at the hostel and went out to dinner at Boemios and drinks at the Treehouse Cafe or something like that.

Monday.  Ziplining and bus back to San Pedro.

So the point of this entry was to try to think out my revelation.  It came after ziplining, while I was thinking about what the hell it was that I just did.  So anyway, there’s a Tarzan swing where you jump off a stand and basically swing back and forth.  Sean was telling me to do it so I was walking up the stairs, sure that I was going to die if I tried it.  Anyway, I was still debating with myself out loud as they were strapping me in and was yelling at the guys that I didn’t want to do it anymore so I stood at the ledge, looking down and freaking out about what it was that I was attempting to do.  They weren’t listening to anything I was saying and I felt a push on my back and down I flew.  A good scream and an overwhelming sense of accomplishment and peace overtook me.  In that order.  Basically the same thing happened for the Superman line.  I was unsure of whether I wanted to do it or not, and I just kept climbing stairs until I got to the top and next thing I knew, I was being strapped onto the line.  I was trying to talk my way out of it, begging the guys to unhook me so I could make a walk of shame back down the stairs and to the exit, when they pushed me out and I realized I was doing it.  Not only was I supermanning across Monteverde’s beautiful cloudforests, I was enjoying it, too.

So on the bus back to San Pedro, some time in the first hour of the five hour ride, I got to thinking.  There are so many things I can’t do, but who knows what I’m really capable of?   I am the only one holding myself back from doing amazing things.  I don’t know what I will or won’t enjoy unless I try it out.  And maybe sometimes a little push is what I need to realize that I can do anything you can.  Anything anyone can!

These thoughts a lot more coherent in my head but for now, it’s 12:40 AM and I’ve had a long day so I’m going to stop rambling and call it a night.

Anyway.  I won’t even get into how depressing it is to think about what my life will be like as an accountant.

One more week of classes.  One week of finals.  Then I’m off to freedom.

As free as I can be while worrying about internships and my future and all the other stresses I’ve been dealing with this semester.  At this point, I’m almost completely over it.  Almost.  I don’t know if I’ll ever be completely over it but I think I’m on my way there, I really do.

Went to the last BAY meeting of the semester.  Yay for crossing.  If I maintain an average GPA I’ll be a full on active next semester!  There’s pretty much nothing more I would ever want from life than to be an active..

Well, maybe.. If everyone in the club wasn’t such a little prick.  Sitting next to me were the most obnoxious Koreans I have ever had the displeasure of having to sit next to for two hours.  And I come from a town filled to the brim with Koreans.  But they pretty much epitomized everything I dislike about BAY.  Obnoxious, check.  Clique-y, check.  Smart, check.  Overachieving, check.  Call me bitter but having friends and an internship doesn’t give you the right to make fun of someone who’s twitching out of nervousness about giving a speech in front of a hundred plus people.
But that’s just me.

It’s been a long week and I’m just cranky.  I still have no idea what I’m doing with my life.  I’m undecided about whether or not I’m happy with myself and I’m trying to decide whether I should change and be “normal.”  My brother calls it quirky.  I personally hate people who call themselves quirky.  I see it as more of a cry for attention.  “Please, tell me how different I am from everyone else you’ve met but in a good way.  Please, tell me how mindblowingly awesome I am because you’ve never met anyone like me before!” Sorry.  Can’t do.  Won’t do.

I spent most of Tuesday devastated that I couldn’t go to the Kings hockey game with BDO on Wednesday night.  Devastated.  It was finally my chance to go to a social that was by invite and that wouldn’t be swarming with other BAYers who I can’t stand.  It might have also had to do with the fact that the senior manager is a cutie with a British accent.  Just a tiny minor role, though.  HA.

There is absolutely NO point to this entry.  It’s basically a mismash of brain diarrhea.  Huh.

Happy Earth Day!  Today was the 40th celebration of Earth Day.
I celebrated by having a mini reunion with CALPIRG.  I feel bad because I’m so reluctant to be involved.  It just seems so annoying to have to ask people to call or sign or do something political.  But once I’m there it’s not so bad.  I actually almost enjoy it a little bit, pushing myself to talk to random people and seeming interested in a cause that I know absolutely about.

I don’t know yet how my plans for the summer will go.  I plan on working at a nonprofit as a canvasser.  I know it’ll be hard.  Times are hard, man.  Folks don’t want to part with money.  But I’m hoping that it’ll teach me a lot about talking to people and meeting new people.  I mean, I’ll have to get pretty good at being really enthusiastic with strangers if it’s my job for three months, right?  I don’t really know.  I guess I see Will, who is the campus coordinator for CALPIRG, and I see how enthusiastic he is about the causes and how good he is at talking to strangers and trying to get them pumped for the cause and I wish I could be like that.  I have all these weird insecurities about how people are going to be judging me and how I’m not pretty enough or skinny enough and that they’re just going to be standing there not giving a f— because the girl talking to them is just not that cute.  Because everybody knows that you’re more willing to talk to a chick if she’s cute.
And I’m being totally for serious right now.
But anyway, I guess I’m always too scared of what people are going to be thinking of me to really let myself go and to say what I want.  It’s something I definitely have to work on.

I really can’t think coherently right now.  As much as I want to finish this entry and capture everything I’m feeling at this moment, I really can’t.

I’ve got so many thoughts going through my head about how USC is going to be.  I have so many expectations about how it should be since it’s where I’ve wanted to go since the sophomore year in high school when my sister started going there.  I never doubted that it would be the school for me until I actually got accepted.  I really don’t know where this post is going.  I think I’m just typing for the sake of writing about something.  I guess I started this entry with an idea to write about but now I can’t recall for the life of me what that idea was.. Ten whole minutes is way too long for me to remember anything, apparently.  I guess at this point I could stop writing while I only seem like a scatterbrain or I could keep on rambling and look like someone who’s trying to be writing but really doesn’t know how to seeing as how I haven’t done any personal writing since who knows when but it’s definitely been a few years.

I don’t really know what the point of this blog will be, either.  I’m assuming this will never be read by anyone.  Maybe the few occasional folks who stumble across this page, although I don’t know how you stumble across blogs.  Maybe there’s a massive list of blogs that you can go to, I don’t really know how the blogging world owrks.  But back to the first sentence of this paragraph (also known as the topic sentence) I don’t know what this blog will be about.  Maybe a place for me to write out whatever I’m thinking about or maybe to keep track of the genius revelations I have throughout my life.  I guess, at this point, I don’t know what I’m doing with my life and what kind of person I’m going to be and how much I’m going to change when I start a new school.  Who knows, maybe I won’t change at all and I’ll come out the same exact person as I would have had I stayed at GCC for a few more years.  I forgot the other thought I had in my head now. I’m not meant for this.